10 reasons why soap operas are AWESOME

I love soaps and always will. They have that special something that can't be found in any other form of television. If you think they're stupid, you haven't considered the following:

1. Soap operas defy all of the laws of aging. I intensely love this. One day a character is five years old, goes off to camp, and comes back nineteen! At first blush, this supersonic aging may seem bad, but you'd be mistaken. Once you hit a certain age, you begin to only advance in turtle years, and those fuckers live forever. One may be two hundred and twelve, but really only look thirty seven, and you just can't beat that deal. In some cases, you even look better later in life. Take Josh Morrow, for example...

Josh can't be held responsible for his hair in this photo. It's what all the boys in camp were wearing at the time.

Josh can't be held responsible for his hair in this photo. It's what all the boys in camp were wearing at the time.

Josh just celebrated his 86th birthday. Congratulations, Josh!

Josh just celebrated his 86th birthday. Congratulations, Josh!

2. A friend of mine once told me that it's fun to hate people. While I don't condone hating real people, hating fake people can be deeply fulfilling. There's always that character that looks funny, or has resting bitch face, or just gets on your nerves for some reason. It's fun to cuss at them through the TV and think of ways you wish they'd die. You can't do this in real life because, well, you'd be a terrible person! Here are my hatees:

Lily is an asshole and I wish her cancer would come back.

Lily is an asshole and I wish her cancer would come back.

I would like to see Maya get attacked by a pack of raccoons.

I would like to see Maya get attacked by a pack of raccoons.

The new Phyllis is so fat and stupid. Go back into your coma!

The new Phyllis is so fat and stupid. Go back into your coma!

Why are you such a whiny, crampy sissy Liam?

Why are you such a whiny, crampy sissy Liam?

3. Another cool thing about soaps is you're never really dead. It doesn't matter if you burn up in a fire, get your head chopped off, drown, get shot multiple times, or die of being one hundred and twenty; you are never gone for real for real. As long as your neighbor is out to destroy you, and has the capabilities of developing a serum that will make you seem super dead, then the possibilities are endless. This keeps the love alive, as far as I'm concerned.

4. In any good soap, an actor should have the ability to put on a pair of glasses and become unrecognizable to the closest of family and friends. Better yet, I like that everyone has an identical twin trying to steal their identity, but no one can ever figure the shit out. My favorite example of this is when Eileen Davidson played the character of Susan Banks. This particular storyline brings unspeakable joy to my heart.

Hot.

Hot.

Not.

Not.

Ouch

Ouch

Holy shit

Holy shit

5. In the towns of Salem and Genoa City, anything can happen, and I do mean anything. Who could ever forget when Marlena was possessed by the devil, or when Timmy the doll came to life, or when Luke and Laura saved the world from being frozen? This is quality programming.

Possessed.

Possessed.

Real life pinocchio.

Real life pinocchio.

Buried alive.

Buried alive.

We just accept that this is Bethany, no questions asked

We just accept that this is Bethany, no questions asked

6. In the world of soaps, you're always beautiful. I'd love to wake up with my hair and makeup already did. I appreciate the fact that soaps take out all those uncomfortable moments of ugliness so that we can focus on what's really important: is Stefano dead or what?

7. If you're name is Nikki Newman or Erica Kane, there is no limit to the amount of times you may get married and still be considered socially acceptable. Every time a couple gets married (or makes it to the alter at least) people still readily show up and buys gifts, as if this is FINALLY the one. I love their enthusiasm and belief that nothing is going to stop this wedding from happening. No, not this time.

8. In soaps, everyone is an equal opportunity employer. You need no skills or special qualifications to become a CEO or a chemist, and darn it, isn't that what America is all about? Right now a bartender is running Chancellor Industries and a murderer and kidnapper is the District Attorney. Felony, schmelony. They are a forgiving bunch, and that's just Christian.

9. One thing I find pretty interesting is that any person, regardless of their education or background, has the capability to access a top secret database and change DNA test results. I'm always in awe, like...how fortuitous that the medicine cart with the key to the top secret database room is just sitting out there in the open. And another neat trick is knowing all the secret codes once you get in there. I guess some things you just innately know.

10. There's no other show, ANYWHERE, that you can watch EVERY DAY for forty years straight. THIS IS SO BADASS. You can literally watch an actor or actress their entire lives. No other show has that kind of inescapable cool factor. In some cases, you can even be really bad at it and still keep a lifetime job, but that's also part of the fun.

My son once told me, "Wow...she's a really good actress", referring to Allison Sweeney. I just smiled. One day he'll realize how wrong he was, but he can never say he wasn't thoroughly entertained.

As you can see, soaps offer so much more than any other form of television. There's never a dull moment, anything can happen, and no doubt you will yell at the TV like it's a football game. I know it's only a matter of time before the last soap drops off the air, and I will cry like a little bitch, but in the meantime, I hate the new Phyllis.