I was looking through my old computer this morning and found some pretty retarded old blogs. Sometimes I don't even know what I was thinking. Apparently I went through a fairy tale phase, even though I don't remember much about it. Wine induced, no doubt. Regardless, sit back and enjoy the remake of the cherished tale Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Once upon a time...
...in a land far, far away, there lived a Prince’s daughter named Snow White. They called her that for obvious fucking reasons; her hair was black and her face was pure white....like snow....get it? Snow White?
She could’ve used a tan but she just wasn’t the outdoorsy type. Despite this, she was still prettier than her wicked old stepmother, who grew more jealous of Snow White by the day. Now tell me why all the men in these stories marry bitches. And they say women love assholes, but this is clear evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with the men of the medieval time period. So anyway, the wicked stepmother was jealous and hated Snow White.
But the stepmother had a magic mirror and it would tell her how beautiful she was everyday when she asked it. Obviously, the mirror was not calculating personality into its assessment. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” she would ask it. “You are, Princess” it would reply.
Well one day the wicked stepmother, having a particularly bad hair day, and just feeling fat and general malaise, asked the mirror again, needing a little reassurance. This day, however, the answer came back “Snow White is the fairest of them all”. Snow White had just become of age. A day earlier she was too young, that’s why she never qualified before.
Well the stepmother was PISSED. Consumed by rage and jealously, she began plotting ways to get rid of her rival. After much thought, she ordered one of her servants to take Snow White deep into the woods and murder her, promising him riches if he did. So the servant took Snow White deep into the woods and proceeded to choke her to death. Now what the servant didn’t know was it takes like a long time to choke somebody. It's not so fucking easy like the movies make it look. So it didn't take, but the servant was long gone by the time Snow White came back around.
When she awoke, the woods were pitch black; she was scared to death, because again, she’s not an outdoorsy chick. There was all kinds of rustling in the bushes and beady little eyes glowing in the darkness. She was also really pissed about that fucking servant and vowed to herself revenge for what he had done. But she was really tired from nearly being strangled to death so she drifted off into sleep, despite her anger and fear.
When she woke up the birds were chirping and sunlight was beaming through the trees. She didn’t know where the hell she was and had no concept of North, because she didn't have a penis. She just started walking, looking for anything that looked familiar. After awhile she came across a path and figured it was her best bet to find her way home and tell her dad what that servant had done to her.
After walking for a bit, Snow White saw that at the end of the path was a tiny little cottage, with tiny little doors and windows, and a tiny little chimney. She approached the cottage and pushed the door open. Normally, I wouldn’t recommend this kind of blatant snooping but since she was obviously bigger than the people who lived there, she could kick their asses if it came down to it.
So she walked on in, observing the miniature nature of the plates, spoons, tiny little beds, and fun sized little clothes. She also noticed that there were seven of everything. She figured the seven little people must have been out working and thought she’d make them a nice, hot meal. That's not really true. The bitch was just hungry but didn't want to piss the little bastards off, so she had to put on a show, you know.
So Snow White dug through the pantry, found some mac and cheese, tuna, and cream of mushroom soup. She had seen her cook make this casserole before, and figured it was easy enough not to fuck up.
Towards nightfall, the pitter patter of little feet could be heard on the dirt path leading to the cottage. When the little men opened the door, they were surprised to find dinner ready and a clean house. Upstairs Snow White was passed out, exhausted from from folding all those tiny little shirts.
One of the dwarves nudged her, asking the obvious question. “Um...who the hell are you, and where did you put my tennis shoes?" Snow White explained the whole sordid tale while the dwarves stood weeping at her misfortune.
“Well”, the head dwarf concluded, “you can stay here with us. BUT, you’re going to have to earn your keep. Clean, cook, walk around naked. That sort of thing.” Snow White promised and with that all the little dwarves danced around her cheering, for they had never seen boobs in real life.
The next day before the group set off for work, they cautioned her to not answer the door for strangers. There were all kind of riffraff in these woods, and they didn’t want anyone to take away their awesome new find.
WELL. Back at the palace, the servant returned, ensuring the wicked stepmother that Snow White was dead, giving her a play by play of the strangulation and the way she flailed and gasped. The stepmother took great delight in this story before turning her attention to the mirror, asking once again who was fairest of them all. The mirror replied that it was Snow White, revealing to her an image of Snow White in the tiny cottage in the forest. The stepmother was outraged, grabbed a sword from the wall and chopped the servant's head off.
You want something done right you do it yourself, she thought, before disguising herself as an old homeless woman and setting off into the woods. After much time, she finally came upon the cottage and rapped on the door. Not like Yo yo yo yo, but like, with her hand.
Snow White looked through the peep hole. “Yes?”
The stepmother answered, in her most pitiful voice, “I only need one moment of your time.”
“Are you a Jehovah’s Witness?” Snow White demanded.
“Goodness no”, replied the stepmother. “I believe in blood transfusions. I only wanted to see if I might trade you an apple for a cup of sugar”.
That seemed harmless enough, so Snow White made the trade through a cracked door and sent the old woman on her way. As she plopped down on the couch ready to watch her soaps, she took a big juicy bite of the apple, and almost instantly collapsed, dead on the floor.
A little later the dwarves came home from work and found Snow White dead. They did everything they could to revive her but nothing worked. They wept and carried on for a long time. Finally, the head dwarf ordered that they build a glass coffin and put Snow White to rest. As they all carried Snow White to her final resting place out in the woods, they came upon a medical clinic. One of the dwarfs suggested that a doctor give Snow White the once-over before burying her. They all agreed and summoned the doctor on call.
When the doctor came out, he was the most handsome man anyone had ever seen; one dwarf even got a chub while another a legitimate 50 percenter. The doctor examined Snow White and determined she was still alive, though barely. He put her on some fluids and made her listen to “Achy Breaky Heart” over and over like they did the Davidians. Sure enough, she woke up. When she did, the doctor asked her if she might like to go out sometime. She thought he was pretty cute so she agreed.
About this time the step mother got home and ran to her mirror. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”
“Snow White is”, the mirror answered, revealing an image of Snow White and the doctor dry humping.
“You must be fucking kidding me”. The step mother was sooo pissed and vowed revenge. She took back off into the forest, determined to kill Snow White. This time she was armed with a dagger and planned to stab Snow White right square in her stupid face.
Unbeknownst to her, there were many dangerous beasts living in the woods that she was not aware of. And of the beasts, one did indeed find the step mother to be the fairest of them all. This beast, better known as Big Foot, scooped the step mother up into his arms, looked into her terrified eyes, and described to her all the wonderful things they were going to do when he got her back to his cave.
Meanwhile, the dwarfs were making wedding arrangements for Snow White and the hot doctor, who consequently lived happily ever after, never having to see that old bitch again.