Why girls date a-holes: MYSTERY SOLVED

For years and years I’ve listened to “nice guys” incessantly whine about how girls only want to date assholes. They complain that they treat women like gold only to be dumped later on for some unemployed tattoo artist named Rowdy. Admittedly, I’ve seen this happen a lot myself. However, it’s not for the reasons “nice guys” think.

The first thing to understand is that there are three kinds of men in this world: the nice guy, the good guy, and the asshole.

THE NICE GUY

The nice guy is the guy who will write you a haiku in calligraphy class, carry your purse behind you in the mall and kiss your cat on the mouth.  He has more estrogen than a lactating baboon and only has one setting: IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU. He’s willing to negate his plans, be at your beckon call, drive you to another guy’s house – whatever it takes – all just to watch the glitter fly out of your lady parts. All the while he’s tucking his wiener between his legs and sending hand crafted, heart-shaped bagels up to your work.

Sweet baby Jesus.

Sweet baby Jesus.

THE GOOD GUY

The good guy is the partner every girl dreams of finding. He is a rarity, and is seldom seen in the wild due to the speed at which he is scooped up and married off. It’s like free money. Nobody let’s that shit sit around for more than a few seconds. He’s the guy who will give you the shirt off his back, but also has no intention of taking any shit from you. He’s not anyone’s doormat, but he’s there when you need him. He’s kind to animals and old people, will fix your car, and tell you when you’re being an asshole. He wants to please you but is prepared to disappoint you if need be. He’s a man you can respect.

Bad Boy.jpeg

THE ASSHOLE

Lastly, we have our standard, everyday asshole. He’s a smartass, most likely a cheater, for sure a liar, sometimes jobless, always arrogant, usually good looking, and definitely nice smelling. He’s confident and simple. He doesn’t need to send a pukey message in the sky; he has pheromones with the capability of detonating your uterus. He’s happy to beat someone up for you because he likes to put on displays of machismo. He will always be there to open jars, because he firmly believes  you can't.

Because the good guy doesn’t stay on the market long, girls are usually left with only two choices: the nice guy or the asshole. The girl doesn’t pick the asshole because she likes the asshole. She picks the asshole because he’s her best bet when there are buffalo afoot.

Ancient nice guy is pictured here donning an elegant handcrafted tippet and matching loin piece.

Ancient nice guy is pictured here donning an elegant handcrafted tippet and matching loin piece.

OUR NEANDERTHAL HERITAGE

Regardless of what century we’re in, we humans possess ancient instinctive characteristics in the very fiber of our beings; a primitive nature that we aren’t even aware of on the surface. Survival of the fittest and all that stuff.

So at the end of the day, deep within her primal nature, a woman is still seeking a man who can slay the symbolic buffalo.

It all goes back to prehistoric times when men ventured out from the cave into a wild and perilous world bursting with dinosaurs, giant fucking tigers and lots of buffalo running around, all to provide for their families. All men originated from assholes, because let's face it, you had to be a dick to kill little fuzzy bunnies and big fucking tigers. We would have never made it otherwise.

These brave men got all the tail they wanted because, despite the fact that they were assholes, the whole tribe was taken care of because of them. It was a no-brainer for the cave chicks that these were the men you wanted to align yourself with, lest ye be eaten by a big fucking tiger.

Now, there were of course men who stayed behind in the cave with the women. These were the guys who were feeble and were in charge of the cave art. They helped the women make bone necklaces and made up the first poems ever written. Because they stayed with the women all day, they would easily fall in love while gazing at them over boiling furs. The cave women didn’t make eye contact though, because they were very aware that if they got caught up in that shit, they wouldn’t eat any fucking buffalo, or wear any fancy fur boots.

They knew nice guys don’t kill buffalo. Nice guys pee sitting down and whine about how those little necklace beads chafe their fingertips.

It just so happens that today’s nice guy is the direct descendent of those particular cave gentlemen. Ever heard of Discovery Channel? Look it up.

While most the men of this period were only assholes, it was inevitable that even the feeble cavemen would get laid from time to time. Evolution on each side produced offshoots, like the nice guy and good guy and variations thereof, but the asshole remaining virtually unchanged over time, much like the roach.

So it should become quite clear to the advanced thinker such as yourself, that our primal need to be protected and fed cannot be realized with a man who's not capable of slaying the buffalo. Even if we own our own fucking gun and have a full pantry, there's something to be said for the fact that if we were in need, our man would not run from the big fucking tiger. 


This story was inspired by an acquaintance of mine we'll call Buttercup. Buttercup lives with his parents and doesn't have a job. He is a hypochondriac, extremely overweight, smokes heavily, is addicted to pain pills, and plays Dungeons and Dragons or whatever nerdy shit it is they play these days. He constantly whines and boo hoos about how good he treats girls, but they always end up going off with some asshole, not staying with the nice guy. Forget slaying the buffalo, he can't even go buy buffalo meat from the grocery store, but he thinks being nice is his problem. Boo to you Buttercup, and all the rest of you pansies.


Go ahead. Ask me anything about cavemen. I'll know the answer.

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