If my dogs were people, I would NOT be friends with them

If my dogs were people, there's no fucking way I would hang out with them.

Meet Shiner and Gypsy. This here is what they do 93% of the day.

The hobo and the hooker

The hobo and the hooker

Just look at these two lazy bastards. Look how Gypsy just lies there with her lady parts all spread out in the open. I would never hang out with a chick like that. If my guy gets within 10 feet of her, the covetous little letch just flops over on her back for him, ready to go. I'm like...AH HELL NAW.

He's mine skank

He's mine skank

And look at the heifer here, trying to slut it up with my husband. She thinks her soft hair and stupid ass bow are going to get her somewhere in life.

The truth is, Gypsy is a maniacal little succubus who will look you straight in the eye and take a shit on the floor. With authority. Who the hell does that?! That's the type of person who would stab you right in the damn face, bury you alive, go have lunch, then take your clothes, your job and your man all in one day.

Fetch! C'mon boy. Go get it!

Fetch! C'mon boy. Go get it!

Shiner, on the other hand, well he's got a whole different set of issues. First of all, he's lazy and contributes zero to the household. You ask him to do one thing, like fetch a fucking ball, well you can forget that shit.

To put it in perspective, he's that friend of your husband's that eats all your food, drinks all your beer, and never comes back after you send him on a booze run.

Furthermore, I have seen with my own two eyes these big muddy paw prints on both of my good comforters, despite never seeing the fat bastard on the bed. He's the guy who will try to crawl his drunk ass up under the covers with you when he thinks your husband is outside having a smoke. We all know that guy. And his name is Shiner.

As if that wasn't enough, on top of that, they're a couple of little beggars. This occurs every single fucking day after my husband makes his popcorn. If they were people, they would always be trying to borrow money and probably even pawning our shit when we had our backs turned.

GET A JOB

GET A JOB

When we're grilling and have people over, they think our dogs are all great, but the little shits hide their evil around company. Just look at this picture. Look at how innocent they look. But don't believe that mess.

Little sociopaths

Little sociopaths

When you aren't looking, they'll eat off your plate, but just a little bit so you don't really notice or even know you're eating dog spit. Yeah. Fuck them.

So the fact that they aren't even that good of dogs leads me to the conclusion that they would be super shitty human beings and ain't nobody got time for that.