10 ways to impress Big Foot: Volume One

I can't lie. I'm obsessed with Big Foot. Meeting Big Foot is numero uno on my list of things to do in life. My bucket list, if you will. Becoming super awesome confidantes with Big Foot is the second thing. You could say besties. I would be OK with that term, but only in this instance.

My husband fully understands that if we ever move out of Texas, it has to be to a place where I have a legitimate shot at meeting and befriending Big Foot. He gives me that look, like he thinks I'm an idiot, but once I save his ass from getting stomped by a Yeti, because of that deep bond we have and all, well who's gonna look like the idiot then?

This will be me

This will be me

I've been thinking a lot about what'll happen when I finally do come face to face with the big guy. You never get a second chance to make a first impression, especially in this case. I've got to impress the britches right off him if I ever want us to have matching t-shirts and split heart necklaces.

While I have a list of about 100 things I want to give Big Foot (and yes I have a hand written list on the kitchen counter), you can't pack all that shit in your backpack. The first meeting has got to be special. I have to be carrying only the most meaningful things for that first encounter, so that the sparks fly and he decides I'm his human for always and forever.

Here are the ten most meaningful things I would prepare for my first meeting with my new best friend, Big Foot.

ONE         

The first thing that's gonna happen (because from what I understand Big Foot is telepathic), is that our eyes are going to meet and he's gonna know by my thoughts that I have food and that I just peed my pants, but he won't care about that second part. I'm guessing he doesn't have all that much variety out there in the forest to eat so a big pack of beef jerky should be enough to get conversation going. Besides, food is powerful. Every year at Thanksgiving it brings people together who completely fucking hate each other. It'll work.

TWO

After he snacks on some delicious beef jerky, I'm going to blow his fucking mind by offering him a chair. Yes, his very own chair with a handy carrying case. He's probably never even sat down on anything remotely comfy, and that may be why he's got a reputation for being grumpy. Plus, when he takes this baby home to the family, he's going to be everybody's hero. By this point, he will understand that I am changing his life for the awesome.

THREE

Right now Big Foot's probably wondering how this day can get any better, but I'm just getting warmed up. If there was any question in his mind about whether or not to love me, the hand crafted pair of mother fucking SHOES should seal the deal. I don't have a photo seeing as I'm still in the design phase, but they're going to be the best thing that's ever happened to him, besides me of course, and he will weep a small stream of joyous tears and look into my eyes and he will have butterflies for the first time freaking ever.

FOUR

At this point Big Foot has developed deep feelings of admiration for me, and I for him, because his company is better than I even imagined. We're talking, we're laughing, we're doing a little knee slappin'. This is the point where I really move the relationship to the next level by presenting him with a pack of lighters. He's like...are you fucking serious? I've been doing this shit the hard way all this time? And I'm gonna reassure him that you can't know what you don't know. Then he'll tell me these lighters are gonna get him laid tonight, and I nod my head knowingly. You're welcome, Big Foot.

FIVE

Big Foot is over the moon for me after that gift of lighters. But everything can't be utilitarian, because Big Foot's a fun loving guy too. I have to speak to the innermost recess of his soul by sharing my swell dance moves. I imagine Big Foot to be a BeeGee sort of guy, so we'll get the party started with Stayin' Alive, then after awhile we're gear down to How Deep is Your Love, and that's when I'll know where this relationship is truly going.

Bee Gees.jpg

SIX

We'll be pretty worn out from all that dancing, so I'll make sure to pack a hammock so big boy can take a little siesta. At this point we've developed enough trust and mutual admiration that he feels comfortable being vulnerable with me. He knows if somebody tried to get him I would fuck 'em up. And so he drifts off to sleep and dreams about all the new things he's experienced today. It's truly magical.

Bigfoot dancing.jpg

SEVEN

When Big Foot awakes, he'll be refreshed and ready for the last few surprises I have in store for him. I want to make sure he understands how deeply I care about him by offering him bug spray in bulk for him and his whole family. He's gonna have another are you fucking serious moment before he hugs me firmly and begins to show me all the places he's been suffering from flea and tick bites. I will assure him those days are over.

EIGHT

As I'm inspecting Big Foot's bug bites, I tell him that I can't help but notice he's got some mats and tangles in his hair. He frowns and agrees that they're a pain in the ass. I smile, because I have just the thing. I pull from my satchel a bottle of Wen hair care, because the shit is awesome, and I instruct him on how to use it. I go ahead and help him out the first time, and by the time we're done, his soft, silky and luxurious hair is glistening in the sunshine. He's never felt better, he tells me, and he totally can't get over the smell. I'm like, I know!

Dapper man of leisure

Dapper man of leisure

NINE

In addition to the hair cleanser, I present Big Foot with a hair brush to keep his new look fresh until his next spa day. He can't believe he ever lived without it and tells me today is the best day of his life. Mine too, Big Foot. Mine too.

TEN

Big Foot tells me it's getting late and that his wife is probably starting to worry about him.

With a deal like this, it's go big or go home. I hand Big Foot the keys to his brand new 4-wheeler and his mind is officially, 100% blown. And he's like wait...I can't accept this, it's too much. And I say no it's not, you were my top freaking priority in life Big Foot, I want you to have it.

And he wants to give me something in return but he doesn't have any pockets. All he can offer me is the promise that I'm his human forever and always, and he tells me how I can get in touch with him, which is a total secret so don't ask. After lots of hugs and kisses, he loads his goodies up on his new 4-wheeler, and as he starts to pull away, he looks back at me, winks and says, the name's Stanley.