Girls are dogs and cats are boys

It's a generally accepted idea that men lean toward liking dogs while women have a tendency to prefer cats. I'll admit, I have unhealthy feelings toward kittens. The kind where they're so cute I just want to bite them. I have that.

But when you get right down to it, it should be exactly the opposite. Men should love cats and girls should love dogs, because the truth is that cats are like men and dogs are like women.

Before I explain my point, please keep in mind that I'm speaking in stereotypes, because Lord knows I don't want all these nasty comments about how you aren't anything like what I'm describing. Yes, I know, you're different and special, just like everyone else.


CATS

Ask yourself why cat and firefighter calendars are the top sellers. Easy. Cats possess every quality in men that women despise, yet we still idolize them.

For starters, they don't listen, they do what they want when they want and they never answer when you call them.

They carouse all night, piss right next to the litter box, and only show affection when they want something.

They want to be left alone most of the time to sleep and eat, but have no problem sticking their genitalia in your face in the middle of the night.

When you wake up, they're only interested in eating and pretending you don't exist. They'd just prefer it if you went away already.

A cat doesn't need you to be happy. They have hobbies of their own that don't include you. These hobbies range anywhere from hunting and fishing to street fighting and starting shit. They'll come home when they're damn good and ready and there had better be food, or they'll rub on you till you make them something. Then it's back to ignoring you.

This begs the question: why do women love cats with the enthusiasm that they do? The answer is simple; it's a man you can keep captive. The emotional reward is no more fulfilling than the real thing except for the fact that you can physically trap them into being with you. And darn it, that just feels good. This is where the crazy cat lady comes in. If you can't beat 'em, hold seven of them hostage.

There are, of course other pluses, like the fact that cats are cute and fuzzy, but at the end of the day you can dress the little fucker up in a onesie and name him Sir Purrs Alot and he can't do shit about it. That's powerful.


DOGS

Similarly, dogs possess the qualities in women that men can barely stomach in day to day life.

First of all, they're constantly yapping about something. They plan their life around you, and they have no other interests or hobbies outside of wondering where you are and what you're doing. They're obsessed with their man to the point that they drag out your old shirt to feel like they're close to you while you're gone.

When their man leaves, they sulk and become self destructive, eating the couch regardless of how it looks on the midsection. Dogs aren't hungry until you have something they want, and then they sneak food when you aren't looking.

When you come home, they smell you to see who you've been with.

Dogs respond well to cheap flattery and will happily do what you say for the slightest bit of positive reinforcement or any "good girl" you throw their way. They're happy to fetch for you all day long and let you be in control of all decisions.

By the time you crawl in bed, a dog is so excited to be close to you that there is no longer "you're side" of the bed. You can treat a dog badly all day and after a few pats on the head, they come right back to you.

If a dog does not get proper attention, they can develop unhealthy habits, such as overeating, excessive barking, and a neediness that is unmatched by any other living thing.

The situation is not so different from the ladies except that a man doesn't have to trap a dog. This is a great deal for guys. There are no real consequences for bad behavior and no matter how big of an asshole you are, the dog still wants to be there.


Dog and cats friends.jpeg

It's no wonder that men are dog people and women are cat people. After all, a cat could never make a man feel like the master of his domain. Likewise, a dog's neediness is the ultimate turn off for a woman.

I guess the bottom line is, dogs and cats are just little men and women we can cohabitate with minus most of the bullshit of actual people.

It really makes you wonder about snake people.