The importance of profanity

People who say that curse words aren't necessary to get your point across have never had a tarantula in their pajama pants.

Well. Neither have I, but I'm quite sure that if I did, "gosh darn" wouldn't exactly communicate my feelings on the situation.

"You must not be very intelligent if you don't have the vocabulary to express yourself in a non-vulgar way" someone once told me. She's dead now, because when her foot was stuck in the tracks and the train was headed her way, she just kept yelling, "Excuse me, someone, there's a train coming, please help me."

 Totally different kind of train wreck.

Totally different kind of train wreck.

No one noticed.

What she should have said was, "Hey! A FUCKING TRAIN is headed my way! Save me bitch!"

No one would have held that against her. After she brushed the dust from her knickers, she could've just said, "Hey, sorry I called you a bitch. Heat of the moment you know." And then she would've still been all alive and shit.

I do want to make one thing clear: my use of profanity is in no way a reflection of how my mother raised me. She doesn't have potty mouth. But I'm pretty sure if she had a tarantula in her pants, she would change her tune at least momentarily. When my mother curses it pleases me greatly. Sorry mom, but for real. It's SO funny.

Anyway, the use of profanity is critical in making sure you've aptly expressed your thoughts in certain situations. Not all situations, of course, but some. The following are examples of situations where piety just won't do.

Example 1

See "train lady who is all dead and shit" from above.

Example 2 - weak

Bob: I have something to tell you. I've been having an affair. I'm leaving you for a twenty-five year old.

Mary: I see. I can't believe you did this to me. I've never been so disappointed and hurt.

Does anyone else get the impression that Bob will probably feel pretty good about where they left things, and that he and his little skank got off scott free?

Example 2 - strong

Bob: I have something to tell you. I've been having an affair. I'm leaving you for a twenty-five year old.

Mary: Oh yeah MOTHER FUCKER? What's she gonna think when you show back up without a DICK!? You've got a fucking ten second head start...

You see how differently Bob will receive this message as compared to the previous one, allowing him to plan accordingly?

Example 3 - weak

Kid: "Mom, there's a man breaking in the house!"

What she heard: "Mom, there's a van taking Minnie Mouse!"

You're dead.

Example 3 - strong

Kid: "Mom! Some mother fucker is breaking  in the house!"

What she heard: "mother fucker".

Mother fucker with gun - dead.

Example 4 - weak

Bob: "Babe, we just won the lotto! Get packed!"

Mary: "Whatever. Did you ever take the trash out? I should have listened to my mother. I want a divorce."

You see how that worked out for Bob?

Example 4- strong

Bob: "Babe, we just won the mother fucking lottery! Get packed you hussy!"

Mary: "Oh my gosh!!! Woooooo!! Wooooo!! Do we have time to have sex first?"

You see how that worked out for Bob?


So as you can see, profanity plays an important role in our willingness and ability to process language. It also saves lives, marriages, and wieners everywhere. If you still aren't convinced, just see what the New York Times had to say on the matter (confession: I Googled "the importance of cursing" to find something to back my theory up, and BAM!):

Other investigators have examined the physiology of cursing, how our senses and reflexes react to the sound or sight of an obscene word. They have determined that hearing a curse elicits a literal rise out of people. When electrodermal wires are placed on people's arms and fingertips to study their skin conductance patterns and the subjects then hear a few obscenities spoken clearly and firmly, participants show signs of instant arousal.

Their skin conductance patterns spike, the hairs on their arms rise, their pulse quickens, and their breathing becomes shallow.

...which summed up means that dumb lady from the train tracks would have been alive today. Furthermore,

Yet as much as bad language can deliver a jolt, it can help wash away stress and anger. In some settings, the free flow of foul language may signal not hostility or social pathology, but harmony and tranquility.

Fucking harmony and tranquility.

So I urge you, from one peace-loving human to another, to pay harmony and tranquility forward; express yourself with a loving, expletive laced narrative today. It just may save a life.