On monsters in the closet...
"You can't hang your zombie outfit underneath your Darth Vader mask and expect anything good to happen when the lights go out."
"Monsters won't live in a clean room or closet. If they're here, you have some soul searching to do."
"Monsters can't levitate up to your bunk. But if they grab your leg when it's hanging over, you know you should've cleaned your room."
"Hang army men on the steps up to your bunk. Have you ever stepped on an army man? Monsters don't like that either."
On personal hygiene...
"Your wiener can't be the cleanest thing on your body. You have to wash the other stuff too."
"No girl will ever kiss you with a tarter blob the size of a small child growing out of your face."
"Every time you squeeze a zit, a puppy in Ethiopia dies."
"You may be the best dressed kid at school, the smartest, and the funniest, but if your armpits smell like rotten cheese you'll just be remembered for your arm pits."
"Don't make eye contact with girls right now. If you do, you won't see your soul again until you're thirty."
"Please don't kiss a girl like you kiss the dogs. And please don't ever tell a girl you practiced on the dogs."
"You listen to them about what they like and if they say Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus, you tell them that, while their qualities are impressive, you're considering other applicants at this time."
"Picking a girl because she's pretty is like rooting for a football team based off their outfits."
On being a kid...
"If you don't think reading is important, you should at least start practicing taking my order."
"Doing what we say is just practice for the rest of your life doing what everyone else says."
"Sure, you can stay up later, but that's when dad and I do our kissing. Are you going to save up money for your own therapy? It's your call.
"Oh Bryce's mom let's him talk back? Well we can walk down there and ask if she has a blowup mattress for you."
"You left a pee lake by the toilet. If you slip and fall and break a leg in your own pee lake, God will make it heal funny."
"Don't ever make fun of a fat kid. You never know how many of those little sombiches he's already eaten."
On the future...
"We bought a house this size on purpose so you can't fit in it when you're grown."
"We're not mean. It's just that if you love it here too much and never want to leave, mommy and daddy will have to rent a wood chipper."
"You should pick a wife that makes you get up and rinse your plate. That means she's smart enough to know how to avoid a fight later."
"Accepting that life isn't fair now makes it all easier to swallow later."