Superpowers Cats Wished They Had

Today I take a break to proudly welcome Cary Vaughn. I discovered him on Humor Outcasts, stalked him to his hilarious blog Reluctant Cat Owner, and now I'm sitting across the street from his house knitting skin vests. That's how much I love this guy. His blog is about the reality of owning cats and the adventures of being gay. It's both hysterically funny and poignant; a must read.

Superpowers Cats Wished They Had

by: Cary Vaughn

A common conversation starter for us socially incompetent is the reliable yet impotent, "If you could have one superpower, what would it be?"  At least three-fourths of you reading this already have an answer.  But what about your cats?  When you are sitting in front of the TV on a Saturday night caught in an awkward pause between topics with the cat sitting next to you, have you ever asked them what superpower they wish they had?  I have, and their answers were....interesting.

Keep in mind, we're talking about simple creatures (they get confused when a paper sack is pulled over their head); therefore, their responses were inferior to your typical desire to fly or be invisible or making intercourse last longer than five minutes. 

For example:

The Power to Destroy the Red Dot

If you want a reminder as to why cats never evolved into the dominant species, wiggle the light from a laser pointer on the floor.  Suddenly, these pompous snobs lose their shit like white women on spring break.  However, no matter how [embarrassingly] hard they try, no cat in recorded history has yet to capture one, and oh how they all desperately want to be the first.

 (Pictured: Pew, Pew, Pew, BOOM!)

(Pictured: Pew, Pew, Pew, BOOM!)

The Power to Not be Touched When They Don't Want To Be

Cats are fickle bastards.  They enjoy a good rubbing every now and then.  Sometimes, though, the heathens react as if the rubber has cooties, contorting into unnatural poses reminiscent of Emily Rose.  I've even witnessed Blind Murphy lower his backside so far to the floor as I tried to pet him that his crotch scraped the carpet as he walked away.

Apparently, the preferred method of the no-touch superpower is either a force field or the ability to become transparent in touched area (as pictured on the left).


    (“No-touch power! ACTIVATE!”)


(“No-touch power! ACTIVATE!”)

The Power to Make Every Surface They Sit Upon Into a Computer Keyboard You Are Using

(i.e. the cat wants to be magically teleported from wherever they are in the house to the keyboard the moment you start using it)

What the Hell is the explanation behind my cats' attraction to a keyboard?  Has there been any research on this? I would really like to know why I can't get any work done because a nasty cat asshole is always pressed against my space key.

And these insufferable bastards know you can't do anything about it.  Your only options are to either douse them with the water bottle or toss them across the room while riding the laptop like a magic carpet; unfortunately, you damage your computer either way.

    (Pictured: lots of unseen cat fecal bacteria)


(Pictured: lots of unseen cat fecal bacteria)

The Power to Inhale Food from Across the Room

I find it difficult to understand how a domesticated animal can be a food hoarder.  I would be sympathetic if a pack of them lived in the wild, uncertain of their next meal; however, all of my dingleberries get fed plenty three times a day at the same time, and yet two of them continue to act like fat camp failures during every meal.

Mr. Tiddles was quick and eager to express his wishes for this superpower.  He states that it will help accomplish his goal as I drag him away from his intended target.

I am grateful the laws of physics and lung capacity prevent him from wielding this power.  I can only imagine how many times I'd return home from work to find one of the other cats hanging out of his mouth.

The Power to Take Your Soul

The picture says all I need to say on the matter.