The end of the goddess era

This week marks the end of a fabulous four month vacation I was blessed with the unique opportunity to have. While I'll mourn the loss of these days at home spent writing and regrouping, I'm also going to welcome the new challenges coming my way. But today I'll talk about the things I'll greatly miss as a domestic goddess.

  • Firstly, I'll miss never having to get dressed. This is a major, major life benefit. If a company would let me wear pajamas to the office, I would work for half the pay. Back in the day, women who wore pajamas in public were considered to be the most affluent of society. Why has this changed? Why shouldn't my reindeer pajamas signify to others that I'm of well-heeled stock? This decline in civilization is bullshit. The end of the world is near when this sort of degradation is taking place right before our eyes and we do nothing to stop it. Edmund Burke said it best: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Join me in my fight against the fascist tyrants who want you, me, and all generations after us to be uncomfortable. That's not nice.
  • Another thing I'll really miss is spending the morning with my husband. He makes me potatoes, bacon and eggs and we sit together and watch episodes of Frasier. This is precious, kiddo-free time that is now over with. Not only am I losing this time with my super cute husband, but I'm also losing the breakfast and Frasier. Three giant losses is more than one person can reasonably be expected to take. Don't be surprised if you see me on the nightly news: Woman found dead from eating her own cooking.
  • When I began staying at home, what I found was that it actually is possible to keep the house clean when people aren't in it. I was able to enjoy four whole hours of cleanliness before the others came home and trampled the shit out of it. Now, I won't even have those sweet four hours to gaze upon the shiny counter top, clean sink, or ramen-free kitchen floor. My new life will mean coming home to a house that looks like hobos have been squatting there since 1987. Because everything else is such chaos here lately, having a clean house is really important to me. After all, cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -P. J. O'Rourke
  • I'm going to miss not having to drive. This one is a particular bummer for me. I HATE driving. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I had a hovercraft or some such apparatus that would make the commute less stressful. It's also annoying to me to spend an hour a day in a car when I could be doing other things, like sleeping or drinking wine. If I could have a superpower, it would be to instantly blink myself places. Think about that for a minute. If you could blink yourself somewhere else, no one could ever kill you! That's a kick ass super power that I feel people don't give enough recognition to.
  • Finally, I'm going to miss having so much time to blog and work on my book. I'll join the majority of other writers in their quest to find a good work/creativity balance and I will probably fall flat on my face, but then I'll get back up, brush myself off, cuss a little bit, and get my shit together. That's the way these things work.

I'll get myself a proper office, I will ignore the compulsion to watch my Young and the Restless recordings, and I'll put on my big girl pants and act my age.

Pft. None of that's going to happen. Did you believe me? Jesus. Let's not get crazy.

 

I'm super glad I got the opportunity to be a domestic goddess and I'll truly miss it. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to getting to know a whole new group of coworkers so I'll know who I can prank and who I can't. Some people you can't. Human Resources was happy to go over the guidelines with me. The conversation went like this:

Human Resources Manager: What were you and Julie talking about that made Bryan uncomfortable?

Me: Penises.

Human Resources Manager: Why don't you just go ahead and give me your version of the conversation.

Me: OK. Well me and Julie were having a private conversation, and Bryan was listening in so he came over and told us that we were making him uncomfortable.

Human Resources Manager: And what did you say to that?

Me: I told him maybe he'd be more comfortable if he took his pants off.

Human Resources Manager:

Me:

Human Resources Manager:

Me:

Human Resources Manager: Right. Let's refresh ourselves on the guidelines, shall we?

Me: Sounds great!

 

See, work life doesn't have to be boring.