If I had a penis...

It's no secret to anyone that I have a bad case of penis envy. This all began at birth and has long since endured. Because I sit around and think about strange things all day, I started to wonder what I would do if I actually had been lucky enough to have one. Here's what I came up with...

If I had a penis...

  • If I ended up with a respectable one, I wouldn't drive some conspicuous four wheel drive truck with duel exhausts and forty three spark plugs to indicate that I was packing a gherkin. (The fact that I said forty three spark plugs clearly indicates that I'm packing ovaries).
  • I would name my penis Ragnar Lothbrok. (My ovaries are named Lagertha and Ragnar, in order from left to right). C'mon people. Watch Vikings on History Channel. It's important to know your history.
  • I would pee on trees, tires, fire hydrants, in front of Sears, near little old ladies...everywhere except on the toilet seat. Holla.
  • I would never pee next to a kindergarten, because gosh.
  • If I ended up with a gherkin, I would buy a big conspicuous four wheel drive truck with duel exhausts and forty three spark plugs, because honesty is the best policy.
  • I would never walk around naked with a cat in the house.
  • I would run a business where I'd just go around opening jars and killing spiders for girls.
  • I would still be afraid of spiders.
  • I would be able to watch Kodak commercials without crying.
  • I would still Google "kittens" and spend 2 1/2 hours a day going "AWWWW".
  • I would happily date fluffy girls, because shit. I get it.
  • I would never date a girl that squealed and said things like "Like, OMG!!!". Because if I did, I'd throw up in her Caesar salad and make her pay for her own food.
  • I would never, under any circumstances, wear skinny jeans.
  • I would date some girls and then cry out to God to please return my vagina ASAP because I can't deal with these crazy mother fuckers.

There you have it. At the beginning of the list, I had no idea I'd end up full circle. I guess it just had to be put on paper for me to appreciate my good fortune. What about you? What would you do with one, and if you already have one, what did I leave out? I'd love to hear your input. Happy Saturday!