A boy's perspective on soap operas

The Bold and the Beautiful is riveting television - I don't care what anybody says. However, I was interested to hear my son's commentary as he settled into the couch to watch an episode with me; a victim of summer boredom, no doubt.

Boy: What's her deal?

Me: She was married to Ridge and I don't think she likes watching her sister kiss on him.

Boy: Well if she was always walking around with that look on her face then what did she think was going to happen?

Wait a minute. Didn't he jump out of a helicopter last week?

 See, he fell.

See, he fell.

Me: No, he fell.

Boy: We should go back and watch that episode. I think he jumped.

Me: Why would he do that?

Boy: I don't know. I don't think he likes the sister all that much either. Maybe he was trying to get away from both of them but they looked too hard and found him.

Me: Maybe.

Boy: Why would you marry your sister's husband? That's gross, because now he's your brother.

Me: Yes, it's gross.

Boy: Who names a kid Ridge anyway?

Me: He has a brother named Thorne.

Boy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Me: Remember when you wanted to change your name to Avalon Steve Centrifuge?

Boy: Yes, because that's awesome.

Me: Be quiet, I'm trying to watch the show.

Boy: And this lady. Oh my gosh, she belongs in a straight jacket, with little straight jacket gloves and matching boots.

Me: Yeah she's crazy.

Boy: Why doesn't anything good ever happen on this show?

Me: It does. They found Ridge safe and sound.

Boy: Yeah but now she's plotting again and she's the reason he went missing in the first place, with that weird selfie she took, which I totally don't get because why would you take a selfie with some naked guy sleeping next to you? Like...he couldn't even say cheese or anything. That's weird. <30 seconds of golden silence>

What's her name anyway?

Me: I forget. She's Wyatt's mom.

Boy: She's a mother? Oh no. If you acted like that, I would go find a helicopter and jump right out of it. And then, wherever that island is out in the ocean, I would meet up with all the other guys who jumped out of helicopters trying to escape women, and then we would tell the stories. Kind of like a bar I guess, except with coconut juice and probably no cigarettes unless they really planned ahead. They would have to vacuum seal them or use a really good baggy. But then I think, if they're already making so many life changes anyway, why not just go ahead and quit smoking?

Me: You know too much about life, kid.

Boy: You can learn a lot by watching the Bold and the Beautiful. Not always, but sometimes.