Four days ago I woke up with an uncontrollable twitch in the fingers of my left hand. I thought, what fresh hell is this, because much like midnight, nothing good happens after forty.
I'd heard all the cliches when I was younger, and of course thought, bullshit - won't happen to me. Thirty year olds are so cute.
Today I'd just like to reminisce a little about the experiences I've had since turning like curdled milk. Listen up, kids. You're gonna need to know this shit.
- The first thing that's going to happen is you'll go blind. Go ahead and masturbate - that doesn't cause it. Middle age does, though, and before you know it, you're holding books and labels as far away from your face as your poor little arm can stretch, yet you still can't make out the side effects on the bottle of medicine the doctor gave you to treat your new middle-aged hives. Does that say "may cause swelling of the liver" or "may cause bleeding of the rectum"? Can't tell. Fuck it. Take two for good measure, perhaps paired with a nice Merlot.
- I was always the skinny kid growing up. The too-skinny kid, who took weight gain supplements and cried when people called me "Bones". People warned me this would change but I didn't listen. I just knew my skeletal stomach would stay that way forever and I would just have to learn to live with it. What a douche. While that bitch was eating cheeseburgers and gulping lard smoothies, this one is suffering the consequences. Not only did my body change, but little did I know back in the day that I would have my dad's all too familiar apple shaped body. What this means is the chicken legs are still there trying to balance the big mass of belly fat and boobs gellatinizing on top. I want to baby-shake young me, but I wouldn't have listened. It's just one of those things you have to learn for yourself. So eat up sluts.
- Allergies are a cute joke that age plays on a person. You may go your whole life rolling in meadows of poison ivy and eating cat dander for snacks, but one day, when you least expect it, you'll eat a kernel of corn and mutate into the elephant man on your first date with Mr. Wonderful. Don't worry, he'll still like you, and one day he'll place a chocolate diamond dream ring on your finger and ask you to marry him. You'll look deeply into his eyes, and as they begin to swell shut, you realize you are now allergic to gold. Ah yes. No dream ring for you. No ma'am. The ring of gold goes back to the jewelry store and you return with the silver medal. I said silver. Jesus. But now the guy loves you even more because suddenly you've become a cheap fucking date. Congratulations on your new found diet of boxed wine and broken dreams.
- After you get fat, go blind, and start sporting sexy, oozing rashes, things will start hurting for no apparent reason. In my case it was my lower back, which I never mistreated or did anything bad to. I went from running marathons to a geriatric who couldn't get out of bed. OK. That first part isn't true. I never ran a marathon, or even watched one on TV . This is the kind of quality care my back received. I didn't want to spook it with all that jostling around, so I made sure it rested and didn't do anything stressful. This is the thanks I get.
- Aesthetically, you will begin to go to shit. At first, the gray will begin to creep in. Oh sure, you can color your hair, until you discover you're allergic to something in the dye mix and 3/4 of your hair falls out. But don't worry, even though you look like Gollum, your husband will still tell you that you're pretty, but only because he's afraid not to. As pointy shoots of hair start re-growing straight out like a porcupine helmet, the wrinkles on your face will deepen and weird spots and red patches will appear. No one, including your doctor, can offer an explanation. A kind friend will reach over though, pat your knee, and tell you to soldier the fuck up. She'll tell you to stick those three hairs on your head into a pony tail and slather some cream on that shit because we're going shopping! This is the first time you'll actually scare a child in public, and it will be the only joy you experience all year.
Listen up. These are just the warm and fuzzy ones I'm sharing with you today. I can't wait to see what these uncontrollable tremors are all about. Best case scenario, I've been impregnated with an alien spawn and it's getting ready to hatch. Honestly this is the only option I'm willing to consider at this point. I'm totally willing to go down like that. Just not from middle age.