How to ruin your chi

I've been a little stressed out lately. I haven't been my usual cuddly, passive aggressive self. Just a very not cuddly variety. When my husband said I was turning into him, I knew it was time to make a change.

Normally, I'm a green tea drinking, salt bathing, essential oil making, vegetable eating, coconut oil using, kitten loving, positive attitude preaching wino. But here lately I haven't done any of the things that relax me or give me perspective. I've been like a drunken toddler. You can't reason with those people.

Yesterday I decided it was time to get back to my hippy ways, all of which really did make me a happier person. OK. I didn't actually decide that. My husband decided that for me, because he said he couldn't live with himself anymore. That being said, I figured I'd start today out with a nice salt and vinegar bath. Yeah yeah. I know it sounds kind of gross, but it's the cure-all for bad days, sick days, or sore muscles. So what if you end up smelling like a potato chip. You'll be an awesome potato chip.

So I did that. I made my bath. I got in. In was magical.

I felt a little something on my back. Bubbles. Of course bubbles. I continued my positive thinking exercises. What are positive thinking exercises you ask? Well I'll tell you.

It's when you say things to yourself so your subconscious will be tricked into believing them. I'll give you an example. Our usual self speak goes something like this: I'm so fat. Life sucks. I'll never have any money. I'm getting old. Not very productive. So the trick is to replace these lies with better shit. But there's a right way and a wrong way to do this.

Wrong way - If you begin to tell yourself things like, I'm skinny. Life is wonderful. I have all I need. I'm am spry and youthful, your subconscious can argue with that. "Bitch please. You been telling me for 20 years you're fat. And your broke ass has wrinkles so don't even try that shit." This method won't work. You'll end up on the kitchen floor slathered in rocky road and crying for your mommy.

Right way - The trick is to say things that your subconscious can't argue with. Like, say, health, wealth, success, happiness, kittens. These are just words. They aren't making a statement that your inner bitch can contradict. Pick out your special words, say them enough, and watch your attitude transform. That's true shit.

So anyway, there I was saying my happy words and enjoying the bubbles on my neck. The issue here was that this wasn't a bubble bath. This was just a standard old bath bath.

The tickling on my neck intensified. These were some hardcore bubbles for a non bubble bath. Something didn't seem right. I lifted up and looked back to find...


The spider was the size of a miniature pony. I jumped out of the tub prepared for battle.

C'mon bitch, he taunted.

The reason they're so mean is because they're so unattractive, and there are no magic words to fix that shit.

"You can either commit suicide by jumping down that drain or you're a dead mother fucker." That's what I told him.

He smirked. It doesn't really matter what happens next. Your chi goes right down the drain with me. Spiders -951, you - zero.

That's when I sprayed him with Scrubbing Bubbles and then beat the shit out of him with my loofa.

The only thing I hate worse than hate is spiders. And the only thing I hate worse than spiders is spiders who are right. That one was right. My chi went right down the drain with his dead, fucked up little corpse. After that, none of my magic words worked. All I could think about was that spider was ON MY NECK. Hell naw.

Now I have to figure out a way to wash my brain out and try to get back to my happy place. There's little joy in fact that he's down the drain. He has family in this town. They'll come for me, probably when I'm sleeping, and bite me right on the face. Then when I wake up I'll see the mark and know they can get me anytime they want. That's the message they'll intend to send.

We have your chi, bitch. Come and get it...