Thursday my husband found a scorpion in our house. He declined to tell me about it because, as we all know, ignorance is bliss, plus he didn't want to put up with me freaking out. It's common knowledge that if I see, hear of, or speak of a spider of scorpion, they manifest themselves in my dreams and show up in real life to kill me dead.
My smartass son just couldn't let me live in peace, so he told me about it. Scorpions are right up there with spiders, demons, and clowns. Fuck those guys.
Sure enough, when I drifted off to slumber the other day, my dreams of rainbows and unicorns were interrupted by over-sized, hairy scorpions. They were knocking shit over and running after me. In my dream I had just cleaned my floors too. I remember thinking, this is some crap. I'm about the get the shit killed out of me by a scorpion and the last minutes of my life were spent washing the fucking floor. For NOTHING.
You know that window of time where you open your eyes but your really still dreaming? Well, when I opened my eyes, a scorpion was running across me. I gave it the hardest whack I could. I didn't kill the imaginary scorpion, but I did almost knock my nipple off.
Nipple update: The swelling has gone down some.
There's a lesson in all of this. It's all about what you choose to believe. For instance, right now, my husband is spraying Demon around the house to restore my peace of mind and because it's the only way I'll shut up. Before, I believed that one scorpion meant there was an entire fleet of them. Yet instantaneously, now that's he's sprayed, I believe every scary thing is dead and my dreams will be right back to fluffy kittens in pink outfits. Strange how the mind works.
Today, I encourage you to believe only the happy, good things that make you feel warm and fuzzy. If that's the death and destruction of the entire arthropod community, then so be it. Don't believe in shitty stuff that makes you injure yourself unnecessarily. You only get two nipples, people. Use your thoughts wisely.