Instant spider smackdown

I've been afraid of spiders my entire life. When I say afraid, I mean I've walked around with a crippling fear of being attacked by a spider every minute of every day. For forty years. I couldn't even stand when people would talk about them in front of me because I'd end up having nightmares, or beating the shit out of an invisible spider that just turned out to be my own hair.

I listen to a lot of books while I'm at work, and I came across one called "Instant Emotional Healing". It claimed it could get rid of any problem instantly, and I'm all about instant gratification with no effort on my part. I thought, well I'm a pretty fucked up individual...this may come in handy for some of my psychosis, so I bought it and listened to it at work.

Let me tell you what happened.

First of all, it's a little weird, especially when you have to go in the bathroom at work to do it. You have to do a little relaxation exercise at first, then tap on yourself in places while saying stuff and thinking things, and then you have to hum and roll your eyes and count to five.  You really do feel like an asshole while you're doing it, but nobody has to see you, and let's face it - you've done worse things to yourself.

Each problem has a recipe, or particular sequence of taps that makes it work. There's a recipe specifically for spiders in the book. No shit. That's how messed up those motherfuckers are, they have their own recipe. Me, wanting instant gratification, skipped right to the spider recipe without doing all the other stuff they said to do. I did NOT follow instructions, as you can see from the image I've provided.

spider recipe.jpg

However, after not following the instructions, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I felt about 40% better about the existence of spiders. I was all like...that's some bitchin therapy!

I decided when I got home that I wouldn't be a lazy bastard and I'd do the exercise the right way to feel the whole 100% better about spiders.

Well. When I got home I got a glass of wine or three and then decided to half-ass my way through the exercise again, this time adding at least a couple more of those steps in there.

Well I'll be damned if I didn't feel 70% OK about sharing the planet with those creepy fucks!

I'm pretty sure my husband just thought I was a whack job when I was telling him about all this. Until this morning, that is.

There was a show on TV showing up close and personal images of spiders. Before my two super intense therapy sessions, I wouldn't have been able to even look at the TV. But there I was, watching the spider show with no problems whatsoever, and not even imagining them rolling me up in their web and sucking my guts out. I'm pretty sure my husband was super impressed, or at least thought I was less stupid than he did the day before. That, in itself, is a triumph.

I feel like, if there's a recipe for laziness, and if I could get through that whole thing, then I could do the other recipes the right way and could conquer the world pretty much.

I can't believe it, but this weird shit really works. I'm going to do every recipe in the book just in case I have lingering cases of pedophobia or penis envy. I'll never be afraid of heights, or calories, or dolls ever again. The doctors who wrote the book will hire me to be the face of emotional awesomeness and I'll tour the country, tapping and humming my little ass all the way to the bank.

So keep an eye out for me in upcoming months - I may be touring your area. Stop by and I'll sign your breast. For free, even. You're welcome.