Conversations with a boy

A random assortment of conversations with my son.


The boy: What's a mammogram?

Me: It's where they put your boob in a vice and squish it up and down, then sideways to see if you have cancer.

The boy: Well you'll just tell me anything, won't you?


One day, while shopping for Halloween costumes, the boy informed me that I would not look good in the fishnets, wig, and boa that were in my basket. I informed him that those things weren't for me; they were for his dad. Silence.


The boy asked me what provolone meant. I said it was cheese. He said no, like "I provolone that one day I will be rich."

"You mean predict?" I ask. No. Provolone, he insists. I assure him it’s just cheese. He eyes me carefully. "I'm pretty sure you're wrong, but OK." followed by eye roll.


The boy: "This camel loves me. I love her too. Do you see the way she keeps looking at me? Do you see how long her eyelashes are?"

Me: "I know you like her a lot, but I just don't see this relationship working out."

The boy: "You can be ridiculous."

 

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Each morning, the boy provides gripping commentary on how I do my hair and makeup, offering tips and tricks on how to be my best. "Um...why do you make your eyes black? It's like you're depressed. That's called EMO. You should get out and get some sunshine, get some Vitamin D ya know."


A commercial for COPD came on.
The boy - "Do I have COPD?"
"Yes but we were trying to wait till you were older to tell you. I'm sorry you found out this way."
"Well what do I have to do?"
"It goes away if you do your homework and rub my feet."
"You're mean."


"What if dogs could talk? Would I get in trouble for eating a penguin? What if penguins took karate? Who even thought of karate? Who even thought of eyeshadow? Why, if you're not ugly, you wear eyeshadow anyway? Why don't we have side lips? We have top and bottom ones....it just seems weird. Weird is a weird word. Say that real fast three times." -deep thoughts by the boy


While watching the Young and the Restless...
The boy: What does it mean when she said she's having an affair?
Me: It means she's cheating on him with another man.
The boy: Oh...
Me: Do you know what cheating means?
The boy: I don't think I wanna know right now. I'll check back when I'm 13.


"Remember when you first met my dad before you were together? And you were pretty fat? Well you're not anymore and I think that's when he decided it was OK to marry you." –the boy


The boy: Since you're a woman of a certain age, I think you should start buying Ensure.

Me: That's for old people.

The boy: Welll...I just think it's important that you keep your muscle mass so you can always be the one to mow the yard.


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The boy: I can't sleep.
Me: Why? Are you afraid of monsters?
The boy: No.
Me: Are you having financial difficulties?
The boy: No.
Me: Are you in love?
The boy: What?! No!
Me: That's all that's left.
The boy: You know...just...
Me: What's her name?
The boy: One day I'm going to need a psychiatrist.
Me: Don't tell me, tell your girlfriend. Shes the one making you lose sleep.
The boy: Goodnight.


"That blonde girl at karate is obnoxious. She about ripped my arm off on the handshake and then she dug her nails into my shoulder. And you know what? She smiled when she did it. I think she probably sees a therapist now and then. But not enough." – the boy


The boy said he was only having one kid and I asked why.
"Well you're the one who said when you reach perfection on the first one you stop there."
"Yeah but what if your first kid sucks?"
"Then you send them off to some school and get a puppy."


The boy: What's a maxi pad?
Me: I'll tell you but you don't wanna know.
Then my sister starts to tell him but he stops her.
The boy: OK never mind.
Me: You can ask later when you're older though.
The boy: I don't think I will.


"You think you probably know how bad the breathe is, but you can't really imagine it right until you get real close."

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"I think I'm getting so smart that I'm starting to lose some of my social skills."- the boy


The boy: I want my name to be Avalon Steve Centrifuge.

Me: That’s a strong name.

The boy: Yes but Steve makes it normal enough that the average person won’t be afraid to talk to me.


The boy: I'd really like to visit Russia.

Me: Why Russia?

The boy: Any place where the national animal is a unicorn is a place I want to be.

Me: I didn't know that about Russia.

The boy: Yeah. You just have to know your history.